Mom's Keys

Today I found two sets of car keys that had been missing for about a week or so. The significance of this event is not that I found said keys, but that the losing and finding of car keys is a recurring event in my life.

And losing keys is a recurring event not only in my life, but in the lives of many of my women friends, especially those who have spouses and children. In fact, I would safely assert that there is an algorithm waiting to be developed that would directly relate the frequency with which women lose keys to a) their marital status and b) the number of children they have.

In fact, I'm certain that the probability that a woman will frequently lose her house and car keys (and her cell phone) and other personal possessions is directly proportional to her ability to keep track of everything else.

She will be able to: a) manage any budget; b) fill out and submit any number of forms; c) find any article of clothing belonging to a family member; d) remember the names of all her children's teachers and their birthdays; and e) set up online billing so that every creditor is duly paid on time and at least two days in advance.

But she will not be able to find those essential personal items that allow her to: a) lock the door behind her; b) drive the car; or c) be contacted by other members of the family concerning items that they cannot find or have lost track of.

Last Friday my husband returned from a two-week business trip. During that time period I managed to lose track of (I will not say “lost”) two sets of my own car keys and therefore was forced to “borrow” his. That brought us to the crux of our current dilemma.

We could have easily solved this crisis by sending my husband on yet another business trip which would have deferred the necessity of find said keys. But since that was not feasible, I had to consider where those keys might be.

Now I knew that they were never “lost” in the sense that they were irretrievable or that they resided anywhere outside my home. Of that, I was quite certain. I had only to consider therefore whether they were: a) at the bottom of my purse; b) in a coat pocket; c) in the baskets of my bicycle; d) under my nightstand; or e) somewhere in the bag of shopping bags that I use when I go to the grocery store.

As it turns out, the keys were in b) and e) and it only took me about half a day to find them. Since that is far less time than it would take my husband or children to find any of the items they consistently lose track of, and since I expended all of the energy to find them, I consider that the rest of my family has far the better the end of the bargain than I do.

After all the only reason that intelligent, well-organized women lose their keys in the first place is that they are driven to distraction trying to keep track of everything belonging to everyone else. QED.

And if anyone has seen my cell phone, please let me know!